How to Cook in 5 Easy Tips

I'm going to teach you how to cook in a few paragraphs. Despite what you might think or what some idiot out there may tell you, it's easy. You just need to understand a few basic principles. And to be clear, I'm talking about cooking, not baking. Baking is a science and you need to get that shit right and it's not worth the effort. Besides, baking is almost all carbs and that shit is probably not good for you. The way I cook is not good for you either, but I needed to rationalize that rant somehow. Since I can't bake.

PROTIP #1: Add more salt, motherfucker. Seriously, if your food is bland this is why. And you will be surprised how much salt you can add to a dish before you can taste it. The ideal amount of salt is just below what you can actually taste. As this isn't actually possible to gauge, go with when you can just barely taste the salt. And do this at the end of the cooking process, or you might end up with something that tastes like a salt block because everything else cooked off.

PROTIP #2: Know all the other highways to flavor town. Fat. Sugar. Acid. Alcohol. You might notice that these things aren't good for you. That's why they make things taste good. But like salt, the ideal amount is just enough.

PROTIP #3: Learn how to control temperature. Do not burn shit. If you are the kind of person who cannot manage this, there are still lots of safe ways to cook. Water is your friend. Start with soups and stews and braises before you try searing that filet. The oven is also your friend. As is the probe thermometer. With these tools, you can cook something to exact right temperature even if you're a tool.

PROTIP #4: Experiment. Preferably on yourself. Look at more than one recipe. Do not be afraid to substitute. This is not baking, this is art, and anything goes. Just find the right balance. Between the salt and sugar. The fat and acid. The alcohol and your sobriety.

PROTIP #5: No, no, seriously, you still haven't added enough salt. Look, I know like it seems like a lot, and sure, you're blood pressure is going to go through the roof. But do you actually want this to taste good, or do you want to live a miserable, tasteless existence?